Friday, February 18, 2011

Day Twenty Nine

I have sabotaged myself.
Each day I wake up so determined to get 'back on the wagon' and be as motivated as I was on day one however for some the afternoon I binge out on crappy preservative filled foods! EVEN THO I know how bad they are for me!
After I did the blog about coffee I started drinking it again. It started with one a day then two then three...and I found myself going back to my old ways. I used to drink coffee and eat hardly any food in attempt to lose weight. I always knew that coffee wasn't good for me but one I started relying on coffee as opposed to food for energy I saw the weight drop off and got really excited. Although I lost alot of weight, I also lost alot of health. My skin went really pasty and I would bruise really easily. I would go for an hour run every day and do loads of sit ups, push ups and dips. After a while of doing this I would get sick and be in bed for a couple of days. When I started eating again, I put on weight so quickly, and my mood was like an avalanche...from being on top of a mountain, to rapidly sliding down seeming like nothing or no one could stop me from reaching rock bottom.

For some reason when I look at my history with food, there seems to be a pattern, and although when I get to rock bottom and change my habits to much healthier/happier one...for some reason I always end up back at rock bottom questioning my will power.

Something I feel is important to write about (even tho I am dreading even mentioning this) is that I used to be so obsessed with my weight. I would start the day without breakfast and opt for coffee and distract myself from being hungry. I would then be starving by the end of the day, so I would binge, and binge and binge and binge!!! I would then feel so gross so I would get on google and look at pictures of skinny celebrities. I would compare them with myself and get really critical of what I didn't look like. Then I would go for a late night run, and go to bed with extremely low self esteem. The pattern would repeat itself over and over...then I would get so sick of living like that so I would dedicate one day to lay in bed and go without food for a whole day, thinking that it would empty me out and make me skinny...then I would exercise like crazy and eat hardly a thing for as long as I could sustain it. I would normally get sick and repeat the whole pattern.

I don't know what to say to explain this...but I am looking into the addictive qualities of preservatives to see if I could have an addiction to preservatives.
I am so not proud to be typing this right now, but I hope that at least one person can relate to what I've been through and want to make a change like I do.

Here is what I consumed today:

BREAKFAST: Grapes, Blueberries, Dates and Walnuts and a Coffee with Rice Milk

LUNCH: Dates and A Chocolate Smoothie

SNACK: Organic Yoghurt and processed vegetarian protein snack.

DINNER: Peanut Butter and Honey on Organic Soy Lin Bread

DESSERT: Grapes, Blueberries, Dates and Walnuts

EXERCISE: A Beach run with an incredible swim!!! Such a beautiful day!

As you can tell, my attitude AND my diet are spiraling down.
I'm nearly at one month...and I have broken the Earth Diet a couple of times.
This is such a powerful challenge for is really showing me that my will power, gratitude, research and living in the present moment all need to be improved dramatically.
Tomorrows blog will be about addictions to preservatives.

Sleep tight, be grateful for amazing beaches and clean, crisp and fresh air :)
Love Love Love

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